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Transparency by ~zephyrus7:iconzephyrus7:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open




He lazes, dignified,
receiving introspective stares
that whisper softly,
like the lazy water
Mother kept in that fat jug.
He shows to me a glassy eye,
an awkward play on symmetry
and heir to nothing,
sunken in her socket
held in fear of him.
Is that my own reflection?
Poor defenceless girl,
a fleeting shiver,
tired, but allowed to rest
beneath a glossy shine.

When I return, he glances up
to tell me I’ve been gone a while,
and through the clear transparency
that sparkles, dreams of movement,
silent pictures pierce through
and whisper softly, mocking,
bleak and tired, sleeping in tepidity.
They nudge against a china jug
that bulges, cracks and shatters,

And he laughs. I shiver, smile and
Sit beside his warm simplicity.
My thoughts are with the world,
A halo glowing in my hand.
©2006-2010 ~zephyrus7
:iconzephyrus7:

Author's Comments

I have always been interested in the word 'transparent', due to its two opposite meanings. The first means see-through, which can be interpreted as invisible, while the other means blantantly obvious.

This is my first new poem in 3 months. Entered in the new contest for ~Emotional-Writings

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconpollyo-future:
!PollyO-future Feb 22, 2006, 10:43:08 AM
:) That's beautiful, really good vocabulary, very relaxed. Looks like you can write these days

--
...She wore happiness like a loose dress, over pain I'll never know.... I've made you so happy and yet so sad, which should I be more sorry for?...
:iconpollyo-future:
!PollyO-future Feb 22, 2006, 12:24:02 PM
no problemo

--
Think I was blind before I met you
:iconpippieemo:
~pippieemo Feb 22, 2006, 4:58:40 PM
absolutely beautiful...

--
:heart: ces déchirures cramoisies ne peuvent pas enlever les mémoires :heart:
:iconzephyrus7:
~zephyrus7 Feb 23, 2006, 12:12:16 PM
:) Thanks a lot for the :+fav:
:iconharpyemma:
~HarpyEmma Feb 23, 2006, 1:53:30 PM
me gusta mucho!

that girl who wrote the onions poem- does she have a DA?

--
//What a thrill/ My thumb instead of an onion/ The top quite gone/ Except for a sort of hinge/ Of skin. Dead white/ Then that red plush//~Sylvia Plath~
:iconpippieemo:
~pippieemo Feb 23, 2006, 5:18:28 PM
no worries :aww:

--
:heart: ces déchirures cramoisies ne peuvent pas enlever les mémoires :heart:
:iconzephyrus7:
~zephyrus7 Feb 26, 2006, 7:07:08 AM
Thanks - nah she doesn't have a DA...yet...I may try to persuade her!
:iconmattmonochrome:
~mattmonochrome Feb 27, 2006, 4:51:31 PM
Gonna do a more advanced breakdown for ya

Title: Transparency- I have seen this word or words of the same family before making it a bit cliche but I liked your reasoning in the description the fact that the word fascinates you picks you up full points!

2/2

Word Choice: The thought that went in to your title seems to continue throughout the poem however I noticed a lot of adjectives don't get too caught up with them....

3/4

Devices:
- Descriptive images
- Otherwise unremarkable

4/6

Style and Overall Impression:
-I like how the words sound when I read it
-Good perspective
- Don't see a unique style or a neat way of organizing your words to catch intrest

6/8



15/20 There is modest room for improvement but a pretty good poem!

--
I give constructive critique on poetry, if you want me to be very critical let me know, if you want me to be nice but still constructive, hit up my page. lol. >>>and in other news>>>
*PoetryPlease (--- if you are a poet, join!
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February 22, 2006
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